Vijay, Dartford Living’s Editor, caught up with Frank ahead of his visit to The Orchard West Theatre on 16th October 2024.
As a Liverpool FC fan, I joined Frank for the interview wearing my Jurgen Klopp hoodie. The interview started with Frank asking me about what Klopp is up to these days now he’s no longer managing LFC. This warm natured start to the interview instantly brought out Frank’s charming and engaging personality.
Frank also flattered me by saying I didn’t look old enough to remember Fantasy Football. What a wonderful chap he is… We chatted about Klopp’s love of Padel and his recent visit to the Paralympics before we settled down into the ‘serious’ business of me quizzing him on a selection of questions provided by Dartford Living’s social media followers.
Vijay: Garry Turner asked “What is a joke that you’ve stopped yourself using and why?”
Frank: That would mean I’d have to tell a joke I didn’t want to use which would be problematic. There aren’t that many jokes, even when I watch back on VHS, which I wouldn’t use these days, but there are a few. We’ve all evolved! I can’t think of anything, stand up wise, that keeps me awake at night. The only jokes I wouldn’t use anymore were some sort of sexual adventure because I don’t have any anymore!
Vijay: From coming to see you at Dartford a few months ago, there were some risqué jokes and I found quite a mix of audience members.
Frank: Yes, it’s quite a mix, it’s weird isn’t it. It’s a bit like being Argos. Everybody comes.
Vijay: What was the last thing that had you in stitches of laughter? Was it your son Buzz?
Frank: Well he does make me laugh quite a lot. Hmm… I went to the magical circle in London on Friday and a man had his publicity [leaflet] and it said “I’ve never met anyone with more energy, Linda Lusardi” and I wasn’t sure if it was meant to sound like it sounds but it did sound a bit rude.
Vijay: Sarah Crook asked if you ever worry if you will stop being funny?
Frank: Yes, usually about five minutes before I go on stage. The secret with stand up comedy is to not think about it. It’s a bit like breathing. George Bernard Shaw said breathing is the easiest thing in the world until you think about it. If you start imagining thinking about making a room full of people laugh for an hour and a half it seems impossible. It doesn’t do to analyse it too much. I like to talk to the audience.
Once I’m out there it doesn’t occur to me it’s not going to work. It’s a mix because there’s also that cockiness that you need which makes you think you’re the funniest thing on the planet. Which obviously I profoundly believe.
Vijay: Another question here from Lisa Roach. She said who would you like to interview or sing with who you haven’t already?
Frank: I think probably Bob Dylan. He’d be a nightmare to interview but he meant a lot to me as a teenager. I still regularly go to see him on stage and he’d be my choice. If you could get a proper interview out of him it would be brilliant but he’s be a complicated man. I don’t know how he’d be doing Dartford Living.
Vijay: I always loved hearing on your podcast what you are up to with your son including his musical tastes.
Frank: He’s 12 now and we are still going to concerts. In October we’ve got Alice Cooper, Creeper and Sum 41. His Christmas treat is Slipknot. Most people go and see Elf The Musical but we are doing Slipknot.
Vijay: A couple of random ones. Gravy, should it be thick or thin?
Frank: Definitely thick. Not as random as you think. I am a great lover of gravy.
Vijay: Aah we clearly have a very knowledgeable audience at Dartford Living. Another one here. Would you rather wear Crocs or very sensible brogues?
Frank: I don’t understand what happened with Crocs. People once thought they were a revolutionary shoe then something happened and suddenly they became a laughing stock, but I stayed loyal. I’d choose them every time. I don’t know if you see this in Dartford but when you see people standing outside a restaurant having a smoke, they’ve often got Crocs on.
Vijay: The next one is from Jeremy Kite, the leader of Dartford Borough Council. And he said, like Frank I’m a big fan of George Formby, not just his music, he had a great and interesting life too. Why doesn’t anyone write great comic songs anymore? Why don’t you write some?
Frank: I have thought about that, Kitey, as I like to call him. I did write a song in the style of George Formby which I used to end the show with. I loved ending the show like that and the ukelele used to get a cheer. I keep thinking I’d like to write some comedy songs.
Vijay: Nadine Ong asks, what’s your favourite venue to perform at?
Frank: Well, apart from The Orchard, I do like doing gigs in Birmingham which is pretty amazing. If my manager heard me say this he’d be upset… but I really like performing in small places. Above a pub with 80 people is the closest to how I grew up making my mates laugh in the pub. The truth is I’d rather do a little room in a pub in Dartford but a man’s got to live.
Vijay: A couple of questions from Jim Dickson, the new MP for Dartford. Do you get bored of singing Three Lions?
Frank: Well I don’t sing it every day and when I’ve sung it live I come in first. I do the first verse so I’m so focused on hitting that first note and being in the right key so I couldn’t be bored. It’s a precision business. So I’m very focused.
Vijay: Jim Dickson MP also asked if you can recommend a poem he won’t have heard before.
Frank: Yes, I can. It’s long but very accessible and he won’t have to read it all in one go. It’s a poem by Robert Frost called the Star Splitter and it’s about a man who burns down his farmhouse so that he can use the insurance money to buy a telescope. There’s a bit at the end of it where the guy who’s telling the story goes and sees him with his telescope and they look at the stars together all night and it says “and we said some of the best things we ever said” and I love that line. Just two people talking. I think Jim would like that.
Vijay: Does your son ever listen to your poetry podcast?
Frank: I do hear from teachers that say they play it to their class. My son, I tried to get him to listen. They have a little poetry extracurricular workshop thing at school, and I leaned on him a bit for that but you know what it’s like if you push them one way they go the other.
Vijay: A question from Angela who says will you ever do a show like Fantasy Football with David Baddiel again?
Frank: Dave and I are very good friends still. As I speak to you now he’s only about 15 houses up. We are going to do a Gogglebox thing for Stand Up For Cancer. We hang out a lot. I went around his house to watch the Man City – Arsenal game whenever that was.
Vijay: Paul Williams asks what do you like doing in your spare time these days in between touring?
Frank: I do read poetry a lot in my spare time. One of my great joys is watching England play cricket on the telly. I can settle down for an ODI and that’s me absolutely blissed out. I’d got back from a gig the other night, I’d recorded the highlights and I sat in the dark and watched that. It was just bliss.
Vijay: Sounds like you’d get on very well with a very famous fella from Dartford, Mick Jagger who loves his cricket. While you are in Dartford, only about 1 minute from Orchard West, there is a Mick Jagger and Keith Richards set of statues. It’s really good and it’s the two of them singing and Mick has got his hand out. This guy comes along in the mornings, to go to the coffee shop next door, and ties his dog to his hand. You’re one of the funniest people I’ve met Frank, but this is funnier.
Frank: Oh, I can understand that. So, did they meet in Dartford then? Weren’t they at the railway station and Keith Richards had got some blues albums?
Vijay: That’s it. They’d both been to Primary School together in Dartford but weren’t friends. Then a few years later they met again at Dartford Station and went from there. There’s a plaque on the platform at Dartford Station.
Frank: Well I was on holiday in Eastbourne and they had this Radio 1 roadshow and they had this Mick Jagger impression competition and I won it. I won an album by Jigsaw. One hit wonders.
Vijay: So you were a champion Mick Jagger impersonator then. Another question from Paul. Who is your celebrity crush?
Frank: Probably Kate Winslet. I’ve always liked Kate Winslet. I’ve found as I’ve got older I’ve liked older women. Obvious mother and daughter out shopping, I’m always liking the mum.
Vijay: A very serious question here from one of our social media followers. Were you bullied when you were young?
Frank: I was bullied for a while when I was young because I was the only kid at our school who had a Beetle haircut. They used to shove me around and threaten and be horrible. A classic example if you were different someone will seize on it but it probably only lasted a couple of months but I know what it feels like.
Vijay: What’s the weirdest thing a fan has done for you?
Frank: I once had a Frank Skinner quiz in a pub, relating to a charity night. Me verses this woman I’d never met before, it was questions about me and she won by 2 points. That was strange.
Vijay: Holly Pullen asked if you would put Corki in your top 10? Frank: * Frank laughs *
Vijay: Sorry Frank, this is the people of Dartford for you. That’s all i’m saying.
Frank: Well, exactly. It depends on what it was the top 10 of. If it was life changing experiences, then probably yes.
Vijay: Steve Leung asks what 3 things would you personally consign to Room 101.
Frank: It would be definitely, definitely luggage with wheels. I never use luggage with wheels. I had to go and get a suitcase from someone’s house and it was full and I carried it all the way home. I wouldn’t let the wheels touch the pavement. Another thing would be kale. Every time I eat kale I think they’ve left the plastic on it. The other thing would be people who get in the middle lane of the motorway and think they’ll stay there until they get off.
Vijay: Do you like peanut butter?
Frank: I love peanut butter. I’ve had a change with peanut butter. I used to love crunchy and in recent times I’ve switched to smooth.
Vijay: The reason I asked you that is because I chuck it on kale. Stir fry with peanut butter… and my last question is from Councillor Kelly Grehan who asks what advice you have for new comedians.
Frank: If you are going to be on television, find a way of dealing with people who know less about comedy than you do, telling you how to do comedy. Otherwise you are going to have arguments and everyone is going to say you are difficult. As far as being a stand up is concerned, say yes to every gig and get as many hours on stage as you can. That’s the only way to get better. That’s where you learn, not in the bedroom.
Vijay: Do you have somewhere to eat when you are down in Dartford?
Frank: I always just have a sandwich in the dressing room.
Vijay: Thank you very much for your time today Frank.
Frank: Good talking to you. I would wish Liverpool well, but it would be insincere. All the best to you and yours.